STEVEN WRIGHT QUOTES

oursongfortoday.blogspot.com - The Humor of Steven Wright Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out. I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it. I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious! I intend to live forever. So far, so good. I like to reminisce with people I don't know. I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.' I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast. I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose. If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back? If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number. It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it. Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. What a nice night for an evening. When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes." Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? Steven Wright

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Posted by Hodie J